An Unwelcome Recollection
by crazyocelot
Summary: Post KOTOR 1, Revan's memories slowly begin filtering back to her, but one of these memories may threaten her relationship with Carth.


Danna whimpered a little in her sleep, her hands twitching as a shudder worked its way along her spine.

_Another nightmare_, Carth thought, brushing her hair gently away from her face. They'd been something she had struggled with since he'd met her on Taris, but they had been growing more frequent after the destruction of the Star Forge. Memories from her past life pushed through her subconscious, the horrors and atrocities she'd seen -and committed- plaguing her. It seemed even a mind wipe wasn't enough to erase the psychological scars of war.

Carth nudged her gently, trying to wake her without startling her. He'd made that mistake only once, and his bruises had finally disappeared last week. Startling her while she was in the middle of one of Revan's memories was a very bad idea.

Danna's eyes suddenly flew open, and she sprang up, her feet landing lightly on the floor in a fluid motion most trained acrobats would envy. Her eyes darted around the room like a panicked iriaz, trying to find a route of escape.

Carth stood up beside her, placing a soothing arm around her shoulders. "It's alright, Danna," he murmured in her ear. "Everything's okay."

At this point, he knew how to calm her back down after one of these dreams. _It's just a dream_ was the wrong thing to say. It _wasn't_ just a dream; it was more real than most of the memories she had. In truth, there wasn't much he could say, but soft assurances and gentle hands would tame the frantic heartbeat and sooth her ragged, gasping breaths.

Except for tonight.

Danna's muscles tensed under his hands, the way they had when Tanis Venn had tried to put an arm around her after she'd rescued him on the hot Tattooine sands, offering a reward of "earthly delights."

She pushed herself away from Carth, her blue-green eyes wild with panic and terror… and tears. She was crying.

"Don't touch me!" she cried, refusing to look at him. The expression on her face looked vaguely familiar, but Carth couldn't put a finger on it.

Involuntarily, he took a step toward her, unsure what she'd seen and how he could help.

She flinched away from him, her voice rising in both volume and pitch. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" With that, she bolted from the room, leaving Carth alone.

It was only then he realized the expression on her face was the same one she'd worn when they had escaped from the Leviathan, after Malak had told her she was Revan. Shock, terror, disbelief… and a hint of self-loathing.

"What did you remember, Danna?" Carth whispered to the empty room.

Jolee sat alone in the gardens outside the Jedi Temple. A cool breeze swept across Coruscant, rustling the leaves surrounding him. The stars shone brightly overhead, but the aged Jedi paid no attention to them. Having spent so much time among them, he'd lost any sense of wonder or admiration for them long ago.

Night was the best time to be in the garden. Everyone else was asleep, and he could get some time to himself, without having to worry about nosy Jedi interrupting him. The council members were preachy and annoyed him as much as they ever did, and the fawning of the young padawans was attention he could live without. Just because he was old didn't mean he wanted to be placed on a pedestal.

He opened his eyes. Someone was coming into the garden. It took him only a second or two to realize it was Danna.

An instant later, he frowned. She was upset. Distress rolled off her in waves. He suspected even someone who wasn't Force sensitive would be able to feel it, it was so strong.

She stopped a short distance from him, having obviously just noticed he was there. "Oh, I'm sorry, Jolee. I didn't mean to interrupt your solitude."

"Nonsense," he said, patting a spot next to him. "I only hide from the annoying Jedi."

"How many _aren't_ you hiding from, then?" Danna hesitated before taking the seat Jolee offered her.

"You and Juhani," he admitted. "Sometimes Bastila, depending on her mood. When she wants to, she can be as preachy as any member of the council."

Danna simply nodded. Jolee was surprised. He'd been expecting more of a reaction from her, either to agree, considering Danna had heard more of Bastila's lectures than anyone, or to protest that Bastila was getting better, which was also true. But the young Jedi beside him said nothing, so he decided to find out what was wrong.

"And what's a young woman like yourself doing wandering around alone at night?"

"I was woken up by another one of those dreams."

It couldn't be the full truth. Had it been simply another Revan nightmare, she would be inside with Carth, not outside in her pyjamas. Jolee waited in silence for several minutes, but Danna said nothing, just stared into the distance, hugging her arms around herself.

Finally, he decided patience was for young people who had the luxury of time. "So, are you going to tell me about this new memory of yours, or are we going to sit here and wait to grow roots?"

"Malak…" she started, and faltered.

"What about Malak?" Jolee prodded. "He was tall? He was bald? He was cranky?"

"He was my lover," she blurted, burying her face in her hands.

_Ahhh. That would do it_, Jolee thought.

"We knew better, of course," Danna continued. "Even non-Jedi know we're not supposed to love. But I thought it couldn't be wrong, not when it felt so right. And even after we gave in to our feelings for each other, nobody said anything about it, although it must have been obvious. So then I thought maybe it was just a rule in place for the weaker Jedi…" Tears streamed down her face, but she continued to plow through her narrative, as though afraid once she stopped speaking, she'd never be able to continue. "So we loved each other, but the further we fell to the dark side, the further that love twisted. Towards the end, I used it against him, Jolee. I knew he loved me, and I used that to manipulate him. I can't… I can't do that again."

"That's quite the story," Jolee said when she'd stopped for breath. "Sounds like the plot for one of those bad holovid of the week things."

Danna made an attempt to scrub the tears from her face. "He won't understand when I tell him I have to leave, will he?"

"Leave?" Jolee exclaimed. "What in the worlds would possess you to do that?" He didn't bother to ask who "he" was. There was only one man whose imagined reaction could upset Danna this much.

"The Jedi council were right all along, weren't they?" she whispered, her words tortured. "I can't be above the rules. That's how I fell last time. I thought I was the exception, but I'm not. I can't be. There's a reason the rules are there, and that reason is people like me."

"You picked a fine time to discover humility," Jolee remarked dryly. "I think I like you better without it."

Danna almost smiled. "Bitter feelings against the council aside, Jolee, you have to admit they're right on this one."

The old man snorted. "I don't have to admit anything, especially not to a hardheaded young fool. It just so happens I disagree with you. I don't think love is your problem. I don't think love was your problem last time, either."

"How can you say that? You weren't…" Suddenly, realization dawned. "You _were_ there, weren't you? We've met before."

"You know, for a lass as hyper-intelligent as you're supposed to be, it took you an awful long time to realize that. Although I suppose between heroics, the Jedi council, and romance, you haven't had many thoughts to spare for an old man."

Under the dark cover of night, it was hard to be sure, but he thought Danna was blushing.

"Yes, I was on Kashyyyk the first time you went looking for the Star Forge, Malak in tow. I must say, I like your new crew much better than I liked him, even then. I remember wondering why you took up with that young man in the first place. He wasn't as smart or as good with people as you, and he struck me as being a bit of a coward. Of course, that could have just been the influence of the Shadowlands, but he didn't make a very good first impression."

"He did have his good qualities, too," Danna protested. "He was strong and loyal and…"

"…and completely fixated on you," Jolee finished. "That boy was willing to follow you anywhere, to do anything for you. Dark or light, it didn't matter to him, as long as you were there. And that was the danger. It wasn't the love itself, it's that Malak was never strong enough to be the partner and friend you needed. He couldn't give you a reason to choose light over darkness."

Danna looked thoughtful.

"Don't worry too much over it, my dear. Just the fact that you're concerned will help keep you from the dark side. Carth isn't Malak. He's strong enough to stand against you and pull you back, should you start to slide." Jolee patted her hand. "And now, I think it's time I get my old bones to bed." He stood up, ignoring the protests of his creaking joints.

"So you didn't like Malak," Danna said suddenly, halting his exit. "What did you think of me back then?"

Jolee sighed. "You… were complicated. On the most basic level, I liked you. You were smart and witty, and every bit as charming as the rumors said. But you were well on your way to darkness, as pleasant as you seemed, and I did what I could to keep my distance."

Danna nodded.

After a brief hesitation, Jolee decided she had finished with the conversation and turned to walk away. With luck, he could still get a few hours before the hallways of the Temple were full of annoying people making too much noise for him to sleep through.

He hadn't gone more than five or six steps before she stopped him.

"Jolee?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

Jolee smiled. "You're welcome." He was sorely tempted to add something like "_someone's_ got to make sense around here occasionally," but decided she didn't need the smart remark tonight. He'd just have to save it for next time.


End file.
